Don't Forget. I Am Still Here

I am alone. At least that is how I feel. I know that most of you don’t think about me in your day to day lives, and who am I to blame you. I live close to 1500 miles away. I am not physically in your lives. I haven’t fully been in any of your lives for almost exactly a year. But what you forget is that I am still here. You forget that even though your lives go on normally they way that they pretty much always have, mine doesn’t. My world is completely upside down, backwards and inside out. You don’t notice the shift that happen in the world when I left, because you all still have each other and everything that you ever had. Every important person you’ve known is only a few hour drive away. This is not how my life is. I feel it everyday how alone I am. Please do not think that I don’t know that I have my husband. He is the only person in this god forsaken state that gives a hot damn about me. As much as I love and depend on my husband, he isn’t the only person that I need in life.

I need the advice of a mother,

the comfort of a father,

the joy of a sister,

the protection of a brother.

I need the laughter of a best friend.

I need all of you. But you seem to forget that I am here.

You have no idea how many hours I spend alone here. I can’t seem to make bonds with people here. Its not for a lack of trying I can promise you. The people here could never care for me and love me the way you did when I was home with you. I am not saddened by the lack of friends that I have here. I am heartbroken at the lack of attempts you have shown to get in contact with me. I know that I am not the best at calling, or writing or texting. However I do try, and mostly I get no responses. I know that you all have busy lives and I would never deluded myself into thinking that I am most important, but I would think that I would be worth some of your time. All I have ever wanted was a 15 minute conversation about what is going on in your life. I need more than a quick “Hello. How are you. I love you. Goodbye.” I need to know all of the stupid minute little things that I would witness or hear about if I were home. I need the comfort of knowing about your life. I love you so much. I need to feel like I am still apart of your life.

If I am asking to much, please tell me, and I won’t bring it up again.

Again, I know your lives are busy and so is mine, but I need more than the words “I Love You,” muttered over miles and miles of telephone wires (metaphorically speaking since we all use cell phones).

I am honestly afraid to move back home. I am afraid that you have all adjusted so well to life without me there, that when I am home you will continue to ignore me.

I am sorry if this message sounds rude, or accusing or hurtful, but I need you to understand how I feel. I can’t blame you for how I feel if you don’t even know about it.

I love you so much and need you in my life. Even if for now its just a 20 minute phone call, or a text telling me you miss me. Or even something funny that just happened in your day. I need to feel like I am there with you. I don’t want to miss anything in your life because you mean so much to me.

I am always here and I will always love you more than you know.

Love,

Me