Don't Forget. I Am Still Here

I am alone. At least that is how I feel. I know that most of you don’t think about me in your day to day lives, and who am I to blame you. I live close to 1500 miles away. I am not physically in your lives. I haven’t fully been in any of your lives for almost exactly a year. But what you forget is that I am still here. You forget that even though your lives go on normally they way that they pretty much always have, mine doesn’t. My world is completely upside down, backwards and inside out. You don’t notice the shift that happen in the world when I left, because you all still have each other and everything that you ever had. Every important person you’ve known is only a few hour drive away. This is not how my life is. I feel it everyday how alone I am. Please do not think that I don’t know that I have my husband. He is the only person in this god forsaken state that gives a hot damn about me. As much as I love and depend on my husband, he isn’t the only person that I need in life.

I need the advice of a mother,

the comfort of a father,

the joy of a sister,

the protection of a brother.

I need the laughter of a best friend.

I need all of you. But you seem to forget that I am here.

You have no idea how many hours I spend alone here. I can’t seem to make bonds with people here. Its not for a lack of trying I can promise you. The people here could never care for me and love me the way you did when I was home with you. I am not saddened by the lack of friends that I have here. I am heartbroken at the lack of attempts you have shown to get in contact with me. I know that I am not the best at calling, or writing or texting. However I do try, and mostly I get no responses. I know that you all have busy lives and I would never deluded myself into thinking that I am most important, but I would think that I would be worth some of your time. All I have ever wanted was a 15 minute conversation about what is going on in your life. I need more than a quick “Hello. How are you. I love you. Goodbye.” I need to know all of the stupid minute little things that I would witness or hear about if I were home. I need the comfort of knowing about your life. I love you so much. I need to feel like I am still apart of your life.

If I am asking to much, please tell me, and I won’t bring it up again.

Again, I know your lives are busy and so is mine, but I need more than the words “I Love You,” muttered over miles and miles of telephone wires (metaphorically speaking since we all use cell phones).

I am honestly afraid to move back home. I am afraid that you have all adjusted so well to life without me there, that when I am home you will continue to ignore me.

I am sorry if this message sounds rude, or accusing or hurtful, but I need you to understand how I feel. I can’t blame you for how I feel if you don’t even know about it.

I love you so much and need you in my life. Even if for now its just a 20 minute phone call, or a text telling me you miss me. Or even something funny that just happened in your day. I need to feel like I am there with you. I don’t want to miss anything in your life because you mean so much to me.

I am always here and I will always love you more than you know.

Love,

Me

What the hell am I doing?

It is 3:13 am on a Monday night. I am still in my pajamas from last night. I slept today until 2pm. I didn't do anything other than sit on the couch and smoke. I have been so extremely depressed. I don't know why. All day I have been asking myself, "what the hell am I doing?" What am I doing up so late at night? What am I doing with all the wasted hours I sleep during the day? What the hell am I doing with my life? I feel so empty inside. I feel so alone, even when I am surrounded by people. I feel so alone. I hate it. My depression is affecting me emotionally and physically. I can physically feel a tightness in my chest. A constriction around my lungs and heart. I feel like the weight of the universe is crushing down on my life, and all I want to do is curl up under my covers and never come out. I sit here afraid to go to bed. Because I know that tomorrow will be exactly the same as today. I will sleep until 3 pm because I have stayed up so late. I will most likely sit on the couch only getting up to eat, pee and smoke. All I want is to not feel so... empty. I use to hate myself. I use to fear waking up every morning to feeling that way. Now I fear waking up because I will feel nothing. I am a zombie walking around in human skin. I am a nothing masquerading as a normal person. My heart thumps a few times every second, but it is keeping me alive for a life I am beginning to feel is not worth living. I don't even know why I am writing this blog. I know no one will read it. And if on the off chance someone does. Please don't get all freaked out thinking I will go all suicidal. I won't take my own life. I couldn't do that to those people out there that love me. As useless and worthless as I view myself, I know there are people out there who don't see me that way.
I know the things I need to do and change to shake off some of this feeling, but I am so low, I don't know if I have the strength to pull myself out of the grave I am digging for myself.

I don't want to die, but I don't want to live this life anymore. I need to change it. I need to pick up the broken pieces and put them back together in a new form. I know a lot of people don't know this side of me, and most of you see me with a smile on my face, but really I am falling apart and I could use your prayers. And when you do see me. I could use a hug. I need someone to tell me it will be okay, and that I can make it through this. I need some hope that there is more to life than this. Because if this is it. I know I won't make it.

Things I need you to know.

I watched a movie with my husband today. Its title is The Hurt Locker. As a military wife, it really struck home for me. Even though my husband is not deploying with the rest of his friends, it impacted me more than I thought it would when I sat down to watch it. It made me think of all of those men and women who risk their lives for our country everyday. They put their lives on the line for us everyday. Many of them have families here in the states that worry, pray and hope for them. I am one of those people. Since marrying a man in the army I have made irreplaceable friends who serve our country. These men are getting ready to deploy soon, and I am just now starting to confront the fear that I have. The fear that I will lose one of these friends. I fear that I may never get to laugh with these men I have become close to. In realizing this fear that I have pushed to the back of my mind for the past few months, I have realized just how valuable a life is. Not just for those who serve in our military, but every single living person. Life is so fragile. In just an instant, it can be taken away from you. One second you are a living breathing person, and the next you could be a statistic, a body, or just a memory. Even as I sit here on my porch I think about every person who has walked in and out my life and how they have helped shape who I am, how I think, how I act. It blows my mind to think, “What if I had never met this person? Who would I be today without them?” I started to realize just how precious you are to me. You. Whoever you are that is reading this right now. Whether you are a family member, a close friend or someone I have only met once or twice, I want... no NEED you to know that I love you. Without you, I would never be who I am today. No matter who you are or where you are you are important to me. I have learned in this short life I have lived the most important thing is to love, and be loved in return. I want you to know that I am always here. I know that people make this promise all the time, and most of the time half heartedly, but you need to know that I mean it with everything I am. No matter what time of day, what for, or where you are, I am always there for you. No matter what we have been through together, how well I know you, or how long I have known you. I am here. I can’t even begin to tell you how much you mean to me.

I am not a perfect person, but I realized today how short life is. We only get one shot at this life, and I can’t ignore this feeling in my soul that you need to know this. You need to know that I love and care about you.

With all the love in my heart,

Cassie