What the hell am I doing?

It is 3:13 am on a Monday night. I am still in my pajamas from last night. I slept today until 2pm. I didn't do anything other than sit on the couch and smoke. I have been so extremely depressed. I don't know why. All day I have been asking myself, "what the hell am I doing?" What am I doing up so late at night? What am I doing with all the wasted hours I sleep during the day? What the hell am I doing with my life? I feel so empty inside. I feel so alone, even when I am surrounded by people. I feel so alone. I hate it. My depression is affecting me emotionally and physically. I can physically feel a tightness in my chest. A constriction around my lungs and heart. I feel like the weight of the universe is crushing down on my life, and all I want to do is curl up under my covers and never come out. I sit here afraid to go to bed. Because I know that tomorrow will be exactly the same as today. I will sleep until 3 pm because I have stayed up so late. I will most likely sit on the couch only getting up to eat, pee and smoke. All I want is to not feel so... empty. I use to hate myself. I use to fear waking up every morning to feeling that way. Now I fear waking up because I will feel nothing. I am a zombie walking around in human skin. I am a nothing masquerading as a normal person. My heart thumps a few times every second, but it is keeping me alive for a life I am beginning to feel is not worth living. I don't even know why I am writing this blog. I know no one will read it. And if on the off chance someone does. Please don't get all freaked out thinking I will go all suicidal. I won't take my own life. I couldn't do that to those people out there that love me. As useless and worthless as I view myself, I know there are people out there who don't see me that way.
I know the things I need to do and change to shake off some of this feeling, but I am so low, I don't know if I have the strength to pull myself out of the grave I am digging for myself.

I don't want to die, but I don't want to live this life anymore. I need to change it. I need to pick up the broken pieces and put them back together in a new form. I know a lot of people don't know this side of me, and most of you see me with a smile on my face, but really I am falling apart and I could use your prayers. And when you do see me. I could use a hug. I need someone to tell me it will be okay, and that I can make it through this. I need some hope that there is more to life than this. Because if this is it. I know I won't make it.